Forget your Undertakers and Goldbergs, the WWE Superstar who truly deserves to win this Sunday’s Royal Rumble match is the All-American-American-From-America Jack Swagger.
Love him or hate me, there’s no denying that Swagger is a future WWE Hall Of Famer. FACTS! He has had an illustrious career with the company so far and if anyone says otherwise I’ll find them at E3 and blast at em fo’ real homie, SHOTS FIRED!
Now the only thing left for the USAian from the USA to do before he retires his American-made boots is win the biggest match of the year and go to headline the biggest event of the year and here are 10 reasons why he should…
1. Ladies and Gentleman, He’s the Rolling Stone!
Who doesn’t love the Rolling Stones? Both the band and the magazine are pioneers of their respective fields and Jack Swagger is easily as iconic and groundbreaking.
2. You Can Call Him “Jumping Jack Flash”
Who needs Mick Jagger when you have Jack Swagger? The answer is: Nobody.
3. Smackdown Became His New Home on September 13th
My birthday is on September 13th.
4. He’s a Division 1: All-American
Unlike all the Division 8: Semi-Americans that are currently in the WWE (yes, I’m talking to you Rich Swann!), Jack Swagger is a Division 1: All-American athlete. He is therefore superior.
5. He’s Also a Former WWE Champion
Jack “No One On The Corner Has” Swagger has held WWE gold on multiple occasions. This makes him mathematically better than AJ Styles. Numbers don’t lie.
6. He Has One Stone Cold Fox of a Wife… WOOOOO!!
Stone Cold Steve Austin was cool, but you know what’s cooler? A STONE COLD FOX!! You know what’s even cooler than that though? Having a Stone Cold Fox of a Wife! As we’ve already established, Jack is living the life that AJ Styles can only dream of.
7. You Think You Know Him…
…But you don’t know JACK! This also confirms that he’s smarter than Edge who thought we didn’t know him but we all knew him. Smarter = Better, so Jack Swagger is better than Edge, CONFIRMED!
8. Forget Everything That You Think You May Know
Because remember… You Don’t Know Jack! And what better way to forget what you thought you were thinking than by having Jack Swagger win the Royal Rumble?
9. Smackdown Live is the Land of Opportunities…
…Therefore the All-American American should land an opportunity on the Land of Opportunities to prove it! It’s what’s best for business.
10. He’s Gonna Be A Big Problem!
Mannnn…. He’s gonna be a big problem!