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Apple Innovates Once Again To Revolutionize Black Friday

Black Friday (a day where chavs fist fight each other in Asda parking lots in order to score a poorly reviewed 65″ TV for the same price that it has been on Amazon for the past 6 months) is finally upon us!

It been estimated (by myself) that shoppers will spend at least $250billion of money that they don’t really have today, so naturally the geniuses over at Apple have been hard at work to ensure that a huge portion of that money goes directly to them.

So what does the big A have in mind? spoke exclusively to Apple CEO Tim Cook to find out;

WASHINGTON, DC - MAY 21: Apple CEO Timothy Cook testifies before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee's Investigations Subcommittee about the company's offshore profit shifting and tax avoidance in the Dirksen Senate Office Building on Capitol Hill May 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. A Congressional report released yesterday said that Apple, America's most profitable technology company, used a complex system of international subsidiaries and tax avoidance efforts to shift at least $74 billion out of the reach of the Internal Revenue Service between 2009 and 2012. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

“At Apple, we pride ourself on thinking differently!” Tim proudly stated while removing vital organs from his abdomen to make himself unnecessarily slimmer. “Therefore, for Black Friday 2016 we will be revolutionising the industry by increasing the RRP across our entire range of black colored products! We think our fans will be excited to learn that, for today only, both Matte Black and Jet Black iPhone 7’s will be available for just $1799! We are also raising the price of our Apple TV boxes so they’ll now cost as much as an actual TV ($899) and we will be imposing huge fees to all Madea movies on iTunes, because them s**ts are black as f**k!” (Madea Goes To Jail is now available to rent for $3,450 in SD and $6,899 in HD)

With this unprecedented and innovative approach to Black Friday, Apple are expecting to sell out of every black thing in their stores within the next 45 minutes. “We already have black guys lining up outside!” Tim excitedly screeched while stitching himself back together using the world’s thinnest needle. “We have black people lining up on Black Friday to buy black products to help put us in the black! You can’t get much blacker than that!”

We reached out to Apple’s biggest competitor Blackberry for a comment and received the following response;

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